The Beginning...

On my way to work today, I just couldn't do it. I didn't have it in me. You have to understand something about me to understand how hard that was. I'm a strong minded, dedicated, caring, strong willed, individual whose work ethics and dedication mean a lot to me. I believe in giving 150% on my job, and always being there. The Marine Corps taught me, stand tall, be strong, push on until the mission is accomplished. I've taken that to heart and applied it to my whole life... my children, my work, love, faith, everything. But this morning, rolling down the highway, I just couldn't do it. And it began. They symptoms I’ve been struggling with for several months now. The exhaustion, the uncontrolled crying, the chest pain, the insecurities, the numbness in the arms and legs, cant breath well, but it was so bad this time, I actually threw up. This is the second time in a month now, this has happened to me. My job is high stress, high demand, and very VERY fast paced. I've been doing it for 4 years now, and i love my job, and used to enjoy every bit of it, but for the past two years or so, I’ve taken on the roles of other "job titles" which was supposed to be for a "short time". needless to say I’m at the end. Last time it happened, I decided enough was enough. i made an appointment with a doctor, and went in to talk to him about what was going on. I cried, i vented, I probably made no sense what so ever. His solution was run tons of blood work and here's some anti-depressants. (which by the way, after two weeks, ARENT working) I'm going back tomorrow, to tell him this, and that it's all getting worse, but I’m not holding out much hope in that department.
It's not just my job of course, that's an easy fix, maybe find another, transfer... it's just life in general. 4 years ago, i went through a divorce, from a marriage of alcohol and abuse, that ended it's final days in a knife fight. So suddenly there I am, single mom of two boys, no income, a 50 year old house, that honestly should have been condemned, trying to put the pieces back together. then last year, finding my soul mate, and losing said soul mate in the worst, longest most drawn out way. No, he didn't die, but that may have been easier. a sudden painful lose might have made it easier instead of the long spiraling downward burning ball of flames we had to go through. It wasn’t our choice that we lost each other, more the ex's, the military, and just bad fricking luck and plans to be together fallen through, over and over and over... so to attempt to save my sanity... i ended it. and have been trying to put the pieces back together ever since. (After i find them)
Of course my friends are all trying to help, everyone has suggestions. "take it easy", "don’t let it get to you", "you just need to go have some fun" "have faith, God is there for you". I know they mean well, but seriously? It's all so pointless. Very few have ever felt like they've had a hole in them, so deep, and so raw, it hurts in places you didn't even know existed. I have no life left, no faith, no joy... now, now... everyone put down the phones and stop calling 911. I have no plans to off myself, especially here, especially now. I have to much to do, and two little young lives depend on me. Which makes this battle all the more terrible to fight, and this burden all the more harder to bear. I know that their lives and happiness are in direct correlation to mine. It's that old adage, if mom's not happy, no one is happy. But i also have this fear, the notion that because i didn't see all this coming, the depression, the fear, the struggle, that I may not see THAT coming...
I'm not even sure what's possessed me to start a blog. I’m only hoping I guess, that maybe it will help me heal, help me find help or more importantly help others who are in the same situation learn to cope and deal with it better because of me. Perhaps if I share the deepest thoughts, fears, hopes, good days and bad, unedited, no politically correct bs, maybe they'll see that they are not alone, like I feel right now.
This morning, sitting on the side of the freeway, I was scrolling through my phone, looking for someone, anyone, to call and cry to... I have many friends, and a good family, clergy, but honestly at 0600 in the morning, I just couldn't do that to my mother, best friends, sister or whoever. I'm hoping it's not that serious yet. So there I sat. crying. praying. in pain. I'm not even sure i will survive this. I’m pretty sure I will, like I said, I haven't reached that point yet. but the serious thought of getting my two hand guns (for protection) out of the house, crossed my mind. just in case. If someone had told me two years ago, that I'd be at this stage, I’d never had believed them. But now that I’m here, I’m scared it may go farther. That and maybe if I blog a little, even though I have no one I can really "talk" to, I might feel better pretending to talk to someone. So, to help that thought, I’m going to pretend to talk to God, and Keith. Keith, is my brother, who was killed when I was 11. If there was ever a text book case of hero worship in this world, I had it, for him... he was 8 years older than me, and he was my entire world. I don’t think i ever recovered losing him, but over the years the wound had scabbed over, and left a bit of a scar. sometimes it festers up and hurts all over again, but it's usually short lived and not to terribly painful.
Okay, you say, I understand talking to your brother, but God?? For you believers out there, I’m sure you understand and know God is the first one you should turn to. But in my case, I’m a fallen away Christian that is trying to find her way back. I've been struggling my whole life with the concept of how to believe because in my heart i want to, not because I know I should, that it's the "right" thing to do. But for you non-believers... please if you comment leave the negative anti God atheist comments out of this. This is my blog, my journey, my struggle. I believe in God, hands down, but I don’t have FAITH. But I don’t need people telling me there is not God, God is bullshit, yadda yadda yadda... I respect your views to not believe, so please respect mine to attempt to believe and attempt to find faith, joy and strength in that belief.
I'm hoping this helps. I’m hoping perhaps i can come back and write more. I'm hoping to survive, find love, find faith and find contentment, and joy once again. I'm not sure i will come back, but after writing this for the past hour, I’m still in pain, still crying but willing to keep trying.