Challenges...

I'm having a hard time with this blog. finding things to talk about in an intelligent and constructive way. In a way that doesn't sound like constant whining and complaining about how life sucks. This is a little more challenging than i thought. Just one more challenge to add to the challenges I’ve been facing lately. Some people thrive on challenges. They look forward to them, the energy rush it supposedly brings. I used to be one of those people. I used to enjoy being able to prove that i can stand on my own. I foolishly believed at one time I can do it all by myself with resources and finances that have long since been depleted and wasted. It seems that I survive one challenge and without time to recover, whether financially, emotionally or physically (or a combination of these) I’m slammed with another challenge. And no matter how hard I try, I never see them coming. I do my best to plan ahead, be prepared but I never see them coming. And those are the ones that knock me to my knees the fastest. I used to be able to pray for guidance, I used to be able to be thankful for what I had, regardless of the fact that things were falling apart around me. A divorce from hell. I'd thank God I survived the abusive and alcoholic marriage. Backed up septic... I’d thank God i had a house that had a septic. Crashing trees and destruction from an ice storm. Thank you God for the kerosene heater I’d found that kept us warm without power for 6 days. House fire. Thank you I woke up before it was to late. True love that destroyed my and left me in pieces. Thank you for showing me how true love could be, even if for a short moment. I always ALWAYS tried to find the lesson God wanted to show me in those challenges. But anymore, I’m left wonder, why God is constantly challenging me. Haven't i learned enough? Aren't I strong enough yet? I still believe... why test my faith anymore? And yet here I am with one more major challenge... lost faith and depression. Faith in myself, God and others. Gone. Self confidence. gone. self esteem. gone. love. gone. joy. gone. peace. gone. Replaced with hopelessness, self loathing and torment. But I’m not completely down yet. I'm still here. I wont give in. I know there is a lesson here too. I just have to have the courage to look for it. and maybe that in itself is the lesson. Courage. because everyday I hate this, everyday I cry, the anxiety, the pain... I still push on. I still get up, eat, breath, and most of all. Hope. So my greatest challenge ever is a battle that either I’ll win, or if I don’t, my sons will have to learn without me... Courage.