I have a little shattered piece for you...

You know, it’s amazing. The past two years, I’ve gone from the highest point in my life, to the absolute lowest. I’ve had lots of lows, just like lots of highs, but for the first time in my life, I was completely devastated. Wiped out. Done. Everything I ever was, knew or felt was completely shattered and left scattered to the winds… I had nothing left but try to put the pieces back together… There were so many pieces I wasn’t even sure I’d find them all again. I felt like I’d be searching and trying to fit them all back together forever… a task I wasn’t looking forward to. I knew I didn’t have the strength, I really didn‘t care anyway, but also knew I had no choice. No one was going to be able to do this for me…
And that’s the amazing part… those shattered pieces were the beginning of my salvation. You see, someone who has never been there, can not understand what an incredible opportunity it can be when you have to rebuild yourself, rebuild who you are… They know who they are, and for better or worse, they don’t even realize what changes they could make. They are blissfully unaware of flaws or issues that once let go of, will make them a better person. They are content to be who they are. But when you lose everything, your faith, your joy, love and contentment, your confidence, your very belief in yourself and others around you ~ you have a choice… rebuild the old person you were with more hurt and hang ups than before or… rebuild to be a better you… all those shattered pieces of my heart and life I’ve been slowly gathering I’ve been looking at it… piece by piece… This is my chance… that piece of broken trust from the abusive alcoholic relationship. Leave it behind… That piece of pain from rejection and suffering. Gone. I don’t have to pick it up… Aggression, anger, hurt… leave them lay right where they are. The pains and disappointments that have hurt for so long; this is the one chance for them to heal over. Sure, the scars wont be pretty and will always remain. But the infection will be gone. Left behind in the healing aftermath…

Oh, but look… here’s that little piece of faith that I’d lost so long ago… it’s tiny and cracked. But if I put it with this little piece of contentment, it’s a little bigger. And stronger. Wow… I found a piece of lost friendships rekindled. Oh my gosh! I’m putting that right here, next to my heart. It’ll grown and feed me and I’ll gain strength from the love of others… hhhmmmm…. There’s this little bit of trust I just found. I didn’t even know I had it; it‘d been so long since I‘d seen it… I really kind of forgot what it looked like… It was right under that shard of faith. They’d been stuck together so long they’re kinda glued, one with the other. But look at the pretty shape they’re in. and look how their colors match love and contentment… How’d this little piece of anger get in here! I think I’ll just throw it away… it’s to dark and ugly to want to keep. Ooohhhhh…. Here’s a big piece of forgiveness. Wow!! I’m not sure I can carry this. I want to bring it along with me, and make it a part of me, but it’s so big, and hard to carry… but in a way, that will make me stronger. It will hurt and be a struggle to carry with me. I’m sure I feel the sting more than once or twice. I’m pretty sure there’s going to be times where I’m going to just want to leave it behind. I’ll feel it’s not worth it. but I know in the end, it’ll be totally worth it. Yes, I think I’d better find room for it right next to love and friendships…. Here‘s a little creativity and fun! Wow!! Those are big pieces!! How did I miss those for so long??”

And the list goes on and on… compassion, love, kindness, peace, courage… the more I gather the pieces together, the more they grow, and fuse together to make a person I want to be. Sure there’s going to be those little slivers of the pieces I left behind. And like all slivers, they will fester and be sore for a minute. But soon enough they’ll scab over and heal and they wont be quite so noticeable.
　
As I’m putting the pieces back together, I realize other’s have left me pieces of themselves also… I’m sure they didn’t intend too, but it just happens that way I guess. Here’s a little bit of faith from this friend, and shard of laughter from that one… A kind word and smile from a stranger on a day that was particularly rough. This one gave me strength to get up again, when I didn’t have the strength to do it on my own. A hug from her, encouragement from him. Those people over there left a little compassion and comfort. And the warmth of love and friendship clings to all those little pieces… As I struggle to get through all this, I look around me, and in the chaos, see all these little pieces shinning up at me, glittering, glistening. They’re beautiful and comforting and sparkling… They fuse with the pieces of me, and it all starts to blend and hold me together… and maybe someday I’ll have enough pieces and parts that I’ll feel whole again. Only stronger, with faith and comfort. With joy and love that I’ve either forgotten or given up on.

There’s another amazing thing I’ve learned about these shattered pieces. I have lots of extra pieces to share now. I only need a few, just a little. But there are so many now. I have a piece courage for the friend whose faith is struggling… I have a piece comfort for that friend who is sick and feels like she’ll never get better… here’s a little piece of strength and empathy for that one going through a painful divorce. And a piece for you, and her, and him… my family, my children, my friends, strangers, coworkers, and just people I pass on the street. With all these little pieces I have more than enough to share, I just have to remember to do it… If i put them all with the pieces of courage i'm finding, i'm sure i can do it...

I’ve noticed also the pieces are getting bigger… the more I gather, and share, and take, and discover, all those little pieces are growing, and thriving… with nurturing and encouragement, love and faith, they seem to take on a life of their own. A life that not to long ago, I’d never believe in, or think for a moment was for me, or that I deserved.

The past few month there was that one piece that continually eluded me. Hope… I couldn’t find it anywhere… Hope for a better life. Hope for love. Hope for returned faith. Hope for contentment. But I started looking at the pieces I did have… there’s something in between them, holding them all together… I don’t remember putting it there, but it’s there… small, almost invisible… but there it is… I couldn’t figure it out at first. What is that holding all those pieces together?? Then without looking for it, I found it… Hope. I realized it was there all along, but without all the other pieces, it has nothing to cling to... you'll never see it unless you look at all the other pieces first.

After it’s all said and done, I’m not whole yet, and probably, honestly never will be. But that’s okay too. Because as long as I’m still looking for all those shattered pieces, I have the choice to leave the bad ones behind, share the good ones, and choose who I want to be with the pieces that are left.

God DOES give us more than we can handle, EVERYDAY.

One of the things people tell me during this trial, this challenge of mine is “Don’t worry, God wont give you more than you can handle.” I’ve held onto and chanted this mantra to myself until the breaking point and past. Then one day a very good non-religious friend told me no where does it say that in the bible. Yeah, right, I thought. It’s there somewhere. But then another very devote Christian friend said the same thing a few days later!! NO! please!! This is what’s been getting me through!! So, I started digging. I wanted so badly to prove them wrong. I looked, and searched. And cross referenced. And studied. And guess what. It’s JUNK!! I know people mean well when they say this, but I hate to tell them but no where in the bible does it say that!! It’s an empty sentiment that gives you empty comfort!!

*a gasp of shock from the crowd!* Yep. I’m a Christian, albeit a struggling one. Yep, I do believe. I just believe that you should believe what the bible says, not what people want to assume…

“But what about… ?” what about what? The one verse in the bible that says God wont give you more than you can handle?? Trust me, it’s not there, I’ve spent hours and hours looking… Especially when I was and AM at my lowest point in life, ever. I kept letting myself believe that empty foolish sentiment. I finally convinced myself, it’s not there. This very “saying” was mentioned again, in Sunday school yesterday. That’s what’s prompted this blog. These amazing men and women of faith, these Christians I look up to, (and still do) were talking about this very thing. I actually had an anxiety attack sitting right there… (mild, and well controlled.) but still… I wanted to say something so bad, but didn’t have it straight in my brain right then, but I do now. I didn’t want to pop off and start a holy war, unarmed. I knew in my heart, they were wrong. Well meaning, misguided, but wrong… I’ve been thinking about since yesterday, and I welcome anyone to prove me wrong. I’m begging. Please. Because it would lessen the pain and struggle I’ve been going through…

Okay… so you say, what about this one??

1 Corinthians 10:13 (NIV) "No temptation has seized you except what is
common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted
beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide
a way out so that you can stand up under it."


Why is this always the first, (and only) verse of proof they have?? This is a very fine verse, and actually if you google it, it comes up as proof that God wont give you more than you can bear. BUT… we’re ignoring the most important word in that whole verse. Temptation. This verse isn’t talking about strife, struggle or what to do when life is to hard to want to go on. It’s talking about temptation. That’s it. That’s all. Doing right by the Lord, and walking away from sin. God will not TEMPT us more than we can bear. He even gives us escape routes when we face temptation! That’s all well and good, but I’m not facing temptation at the moment. I’m facing doubt. Lack of faith. Pain. Depression. Anxiety. Stress. Worry. I’m to the point, I cant take anymore and really most days don’t want to go on.

My conclusion is this… (and I can back it up.) God WILL and DOES give us more than we can handle EVERYDAY!

1 Peter 1:6 “In this you greatly rejoice, though now, for a little while, you may have to suffer in all kinds of trials.”

John 16:33 “in this world you will have trouble. But take heart, I will overcome the world”

Whoa. Wait a minute. SUFFER?? TRIALS?? TROUBLE?? What the… I thought God wants me to be happy?? L Those are just two… if you want more, fine. I’ll send them right along…

But wait!!! Is that a glimmer of… ??? Could it be???

Isaiah 40: 29 and 31 “He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might HE increases strength.”
“But those who wait upon the Lord, shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary.”

Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”

2 Corinthians 12:9 “And he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for MY strength is made perfect in weakness.”

Psalms 34:18 “The lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

(Want more? I can send those too.)

God wants us to suffer. He wants us challenged. Because only when we can not go another step, when we can not do any more, HIS strength kicks in. When we can no longer stand, he carries us. He gives is HIS strength when we have none left of our own. Only by turning to him in trials and suffering do we become closer to him and he WILL see us through. All you have to do is have faith. All you have to do is believe. Right now that is the hardest thing in my life for me to do. But I’m working on it, and after this blog, I feel I’m so much closer than before.

Psalms 30:5 says, “weeping may endure the night, but joy comes in the morning.”

Every painful struggle, trial and challenge I face, God has a timing for it to end. He has his reasons, and his ways to give me strength and comfort.
So although he does give me more than I can handle, and already has… after this, I feel stronger than ever. I might even begin to feel like I will survive this too. I know I still have my bad days ahead of me, I know I will suffer and feel pain, but the strength and comfort I will get at the end will be worth it and more appreciated because of it.

Today's Forcast... scattered with a chance of coffee

When I initially started this blog, my goal (unrealistically) was to write a little something every day. Then I thought about it for about, oh, 10 seconds and decided twice a week would be a little more therapeutic, and a whole lot less stressful. It’s on this point, I concede defeat. I think about it everyday, but like everything else, my mind is so scattered, frustrated, stressed and worried, that I cant hold on to any thought longer than a pack of cigarettes lasts and an AA meeting. One thing I’ve realized this past week about depression, anxiety and the total mayhem I’ve let my life become is the fact that I’m a complete scatter brain.
Have you ever seen a little child (or some adult males) flip through the TV channels so fast with the remote, nothing makes sense, nothing registers, and nothing sticks out or commits to memory? It's all just a jumble of lights, sound, noise and visions? Welcome to my daily brain... the thoughts, the images, the sounds, the memories, daydreams, fears, ambitions, and wonderings flood in nonstop and gush out and away just as fast...
Now we all do that thing where we dance around the kitchen or garage for a few minutes going, “I know I had it right here…” that’s life, and sometimes, God reminding us to have a sense of humor about ourselves when you finally find it and cant figure for the life of you how you missed it (6 times!) when it was RIGHT THERE…
But mine I’ve noticed has taken on a complete art form, in a sick, sad sort of way. I don’t remember paying a bill, so I’ll pay it three times, or I swear I paid the bill and three months later, cant fathom why they’re so irritate and short with me in that lovely letter I received or that phone call I knew I shouldn’t have answered. I check, recheck and check something again, only because I’m afraid I forgot to do it, (like at work, or cooking or a simple task.) And then I worry and fret and obsess that I forgot it still. the second I’ve check it, (for the 4^th time) I suddenly remember checking it the first 3 times, but up until I actually check on the task I’m thinking of, I’ll swear for the life of me, I didn’t do it, and don’t remember having done it 10 minutes ago, 20 minutes ago, AND 30 minutes ago. I’ll brush my teeth twice some mornings because I don’t remember doing it. I’ll find 3 coffee cups with fresh coffee in them floating around the house because I don’t remember where I set them or that I even had them. I lose things, find them, put them in another more obvious “safe” place only to lose them again. And again. And again. I’m amazed I haven’t lost my children yet, or mailed my mother to Africa. I’m pretty sure it’s only because lately my boys have learned (although probably not understood why) mom isn’t mom, and they‘re on their own survival course, and my mother’s to far away to get my mitts on her.
Praying is almost a bygone thing… I’ll start a prayer several times a day, but some where down the road I’ll realize, I didn’t finish, got distracted, or just plain forget what I’m doing. Reading my bible, studying the word to try to find help through all this, or anything for that matter, are just words. I look at them, I know what they mean, but I cant put them together to form an intelligent thought. Or, when I do, I have to reread pages or paragraphs because for the life of me, I’ve forgotten what I just read. I realize lately when I read a book, it’s something I’ve read a dozen times already only because I know it already and can follow it. (For the most part.)
I’m so frazzled, frustrated and sleepless because I cant make my mind settle down!!!
I have my good days, since I’ve started this battle to save myself, and yet, I still have those not so good days. This week, I’ve only cried a few times, but once it was for hours and although it was only 2 anxiety attacks, I’m still having them… but all the same, I’m still scattered and I feel completely lost. Something I’m just realizing has been going on for a while now.
I don’t sleep because I cant shut down my brain… I wake up every 45 min - 1 ½ hours. And, Wow! The dreams… The dreams are amazing, terrifying, uncanny or just plain crazy. I’ve always dreamed, every since I can remember, and what strange is some of them have come true. But these ones lately haunt me and defy all logic.
I'll be starting a little therapy soon, to work through some of these issues i've been struggling with and i know my first question will be, "I’m lost. Is this normal? Is the part of what I’m going through or something unrelated and different? Will I ever be back to that place where… where I don’t feel the way I feel right now." And i'm pretty sure i'll forget it ask at least 6 times, and when i do remember to ask, i'll ask her 3 times for the first few visits.
One of the simplest goals I have right now is to have the bills paid right again, understand and enjoy my faith again, be able to recall everything I’ve done, where it’s all at, and not seek, obsess or look for anything; sit back and relax, enjoy my children and that one cup of coffee I started with.

A Curious Thing...

I find myself in a most curious position today. A friend of mine, more of an acquaintance, is going through a particularly nasty divorce. Some time ago, I’d spoke with him in passing and mentioned, if you ever need to talk, let me know, here’s my number. And never really gave it a second thought. Now, I work with this person and see him on a regular basis. He’s not employed in my clinic, but he’s in the hospital and I see him several times a week. He knows I’ve been struggling with troubles of my own, but like most acquaintances, he really didn’t (and doesn’t) know the full extent of my battle lately and how I’ve been struggling so hard to hang on by a thread. So, needless to say, when I received a phone call today, of someone crying and obviously in pain, I was shocked to discover he was on the other end of the line. It’s been getting rougher and rougher for him, and life pretty much just sucks. Usually I’m compassionate and try to listen to the other person in a situation like this. I’m honored when people trust me so much to come to me like this that I try my absolute hardest to do what I can, give what advice I think might help or just be there and listen. This time though, it’s different. I’m struggling so hard with my own issues, but now I have to put them aside to concentrate on someone else whose feeling as much pain (if not more) than I am… I’m concerned, and worried… Concerned because right now, I’m NOT at my best, I’m not sure I can be compassionate, caring and give good advice. If I was so damn smart, I wouldn’t be in the predicaments I’m in, let alone helping someone safely get out of the deep waters they‘re in. I may be over my head on this one. I’m worried… worried that I wont be able to give this friend, the help he so desperately needs and deserves. Because I hear it in his voice, and the words he says are almost mine, verbatim when I was and am there too… he’s scared and thinking he might be ready to bring harm to himself. He’s alone, terrified and struggling. He’s at the lowest of the low, ready to quit, done. It’s not that I don’t want to help him, but it’s a lot like asking a drug addict the best way to stop snorting cocaine, or asking a hooker the best way to be clean and celibate. My intentions are there… I want to help this friend, I want to ease some of the hurt, and be there for someone who needs it. I just hope and pray the ability is there…
After several phone calls today, he called right as i was getting ready for bed. He’s on his way over, I told him that I had a little bit of time to talk if he needed to. (and I’m not going to hesitate if it needs to be more than a little bit of time… in the not to distant past someone sacrificed several hours for me, I can do the same for someone who needs it also). I think, this to, may be a lesson in my faith… I’m just not sure what, and right now, as he’s pulling in, I have to ponder it another day… perhaps another blog later will reveal the answer to me that’s eluding me… But, for now, I am praying… which lately is a rarity in itself… praying I can help this friend. Praying I can hold myself together long enough to do what needs to be done, and save someone else when I’m not sure I’m able to save myself.

Attacking Back!!

The first time I had an anxiety attack I thought I was going to die. It was over a year and a half ago, when all the issues and stress began. When my life began to unravel faster than I could stitch it all back together. This was something I’d never considered would happen to me. I’ve always been strong. Strong willed. Strong physically. Strong mentally. But the first time it happened, it’d been “one of those” days… everyone says that, and before now, I’d just taken them with a grain of salt. Even when I said it, I didn’t really register what it meant. It just meant go home, have a hot shower, a stiff drink, a good night’s rest and the next day you’d be right as rain… but it started to get to the point, those things weren’t working… I didn’t really notice it at first… but day after day, week after week, month after month… the good night’s sleep wasn’t helping… all the drinks in the world, didn’t change anything, just gave me more headaches.

The anxiety attacks, once I realized what they were, were actually the start of my fight to save myself. The worst part about these attacks, were not the fact that they were happening but that I’d let myself get to the point where they were happening at all! And I was powerless to stop them. I’d try as hard as could to “talk myself down” and all it did was make it worse. I never would have guessed that after all that stress and issues your body literally goes into electrical toxic shock and overload. Chest pain, can’t breathe, the shooting tingling down my arms and legs. The worst one I had actually knocked me to my knees. The second worst one, I threw up. I was stuck on the side of a freeway for an hour because of all the symptoms that I couldn’t drive myself home. In my mind I kept telling myself, I need to just calm down; that I’ll be ok, and this will pass. But your body is to the point, it’s NOT buying it. It’s a mental and physical shock and awe that says if you won’t save yourself, you body will do it for you… I had 6 of them last week. By Thursday I’d had 4 and my chest was hurting soooo much from the after effects I didn’t think I’d ever be able to breathe again… Even now, just writing this, thinking about it, I feel the onset of one… I won’t let it win; I won’t let it happen… I feel the tightening of the chest… the arms and legs starting to tingle and numb up… all because I’m afraid… afraid of rejection. Ridicule. Humiliation.

Admitting you have a problem is like painting a big red target on your butt and yelling, “victim here!! Victim here!!! Come and get me!!!” I think that’s the same thing for any problem. Alcoholism. Disease. Mental issues. Family Issues. Depression. People are afraid of what they don’t understand. That fear breeds defensiveness and abrasiveness and the desire to down play it, push it away… get it as far away from you as possible. We’ve all done it. The first step to overcoming a problem like this is to understand the depth of the issues. That's another reason why I’ve started a blog to share what I’m going through. If I think about it, study it, acknowledge it maybe I can fight it and overcome it. Maybe, by sharing my thoughts and experiences, someone else will understand a little more of what they are going through, and realize they’re not alone, and maybe what steps to take to help themselves. And maybe someone watching someone else go through it, will understand them a little more. Since I’ve started talking about this, those that don’t or can’t understand have distanced themselves. Some have just slowly stepped back in that awkward silence when you feel for someone but really don’t know what to say or do. Others, just ignore it, ignore you and hope that it’ll go away, they don’t want to see it or face what may be more challenging than they can handle. And some, honestly, just don’t give a rat’s ass. And then there are the ones that surprised me most of all. The ones that stepped up, arms open, hearts open, wide with concern and feeling saying “I’m not sure what I can do, but here I am. Cry with me. Let me hold you.” Or even just picking up the load and carrying it for you awhile… The amazing Christian, single hard working woman that took us in when our house was gone and we had nowhere to go. The friend I hadn’t spoken to in 25 years, that called me in a panic because I hadn’t returned her texts soon enough and she was really concerned. One of my coworkers who at work seemed nice enough but we really never talked or were “friends” that showed up on my door one particularly rough day just to check on me, just to make sure I hadn’t harmed myself yet and then hung out for 6 hours. Just to let me cry, kept me moving, let me know I wasn’t alone. The three amazing ladies that have been there for coffee dates, here's one of my smokes, girls nights. They've cried with me, prayed for me, listened to me... Other's showed up with pick up trucks, moving boxes and at my yard sale to lend a hand even though i never asked. They were there for me without me even realizing it. I thank God everyday i'm still here because of them. They've shown me the person i want to be, caring, giving, and there, just like they were. These people have no idea, how much they played a part in pulling me back from the edge. I’m a firm believer in buck up, suck it up and push on… but I’ve learned even I have my breaking point, and I reached it a long, long time ago… Thinking back on all of it now, they came and binded the pieces back together, picked up the shards, swept away the shattered feelings and without me know it, started to remind me what it was to almost feel normal again. Not one judgment among them. Not one critism, not one complaint. I'm lucky, i realize now, to know such amazing people in my life. One friend told me, "draw your strength from them. They can afford it." I think their strength comes from spirit, faith, character, and heart. The more they give, the stronger they are... I learned one of the most important lessons from all of them... Ones i wont forget.
This experience has taught me the definition of insanity. Doing what you’ve always done, and expecting different results. I was insane for what I was doing to myself, and for foolishly believing I was helpless to change it. I just kept plodding along; hoping things would change without doing anything to MAKE them change. Sure, I half heartedly tried. I had told my employer several times, I can’t do this anymore, I’m done. And despite their promises of change, or getting me help, it never came. I should have insisted or fought harder I guess. I should have let go of that shattered love long before it destroyed what little of myself i had left. I told my friends, girl’s night, I’d say something… I’d joke it off, or just give the same excuse I’ve been giving for so long… “I’ll be okay, it’ll get better.” Those days are long gone now… I’m to the point, I have no choice. If I could put a sticker on my forehead in great big letters it’d say “FRAGILE! HANDLE WITH CARE!” I’ve also learned that next time someone says they can’t take it anymore, give them a second look; take the extra 5 minutes (or 5 hours… or 5 months) to carry their load for a little while. You just might be saving them more than you thought…

Challenges...

I'm having a hard time with this blog. finding things to talk about in an intelligent and constructive way. In a way that doesn't sound like constant whining and complaining about how life sucks. This is a little more challenging than i thought. Just one more challenge to add to the challenges I’ve been facing lately. Some people thrive on challenges. They look forward to them, the energy rush it supposedly brings. I used to be one of those people. I used to enjoy being able to prove that i can stand on my own. I foolishly believed at one time I can do it all by myself with resources and finances that have long since been depleted and wasted. It seems that I survive one challenge and without time to recover, whether financially, emotionally or physically (or a combination of these) I’m slammed with another challenge. And no matter how hard I try, I never see them coming. I do my best to plan ahead, be prepared but I never see them coming. And those are the ones that knock me to my knees the fastest. I used to be able to pray for guidance, I used to be able to be thankful for what I had, regardless of the fact that things were falling apart around me. A divorce from hell. I'd thank God I survived the abusive and alcoholic marriage. Backed up septic... I’d thank God i had a house that had a septic. Crashing trees and destruction from an ice storm. Thank you God for the kerosene heater I’d found that kept us warm without power for 6 days. House fire. Thank you I woke up before it was to late. True love that destroyed my and left me in pieces. Thank you for showing me how true love could be, even if for a short moment. I always ALWAYS tried to find the lesson God wanted to show me in those challenges. But anymore, I’m left wonder, why God is constantly challenging me. Haven't i learned enough? Aren't I strong enough yet? I still believe... why test my faith anymore? And yet here I am with one more major challenge... lost faith and depression. Faith in myself, God and others. Gone. Self confidence. gone. self esteem. gone. love. gone. joy. gone. peace. gone. Replaced with hopelessness, self loathing and torment. But I’m not completely down yet. I'm still here. I wont give in. I know there is a lesson here too. I just have to have the courage to look for it. and maybe that in itself is the lesson. Courage. because everyday I hate this, everyday I cry, the anxiety, the pain... I still push on. I still get up, eat, breath, and most of all. Hope. So my greatest challenge ever is a battle that either I’ll win, or if I don’t, my sons will have to learn without me... Courage.

The Beginning...

On my way to work today, I just couldn't do it. I didn't have it in me. You have to understand something about me to understand how hard that was. I'm a strong minded, dedicated, caring, strong willed, individual whose work ethics and dedication mean a lot to me. I believe in giving 150% on my job, and always being there. The Marine Corps taught me, stand tall, be strong, push on until the mission is accomplished. I've taken that to heart and applied it to my whole life... my children, my work, love, faith, everything. But this morning, rolling down the highway, I just couldn't do it. And it began. They symptoms I’ve been struggling with for several months now. The exhaustion, the uncontrolled crying, the chest pain, the insecurities, the numbness in the arms and legs, cant breath well, but it was so bad this time, I actually threw up. This is the second time in a month now, this has happened to me. My job is high stress, high demand, and very VERY fast paced. I've been doing it for 4 years now, and i love my job, and used to enjoy every bit of it, but for the past two years or so, I’ve taken on the roles of other "job titles" which was supposed to be for a "short time". needless to say I’m at the end. Last time it happened, I decided enough was enough. i made an appointment with a doctor, and went in to talk to him about what was going on. I cried, i vented, I probably made no sense what so ever. His solution was run tons of blood work and here's some anti-depressants. (which by the way, after two weeks, ARENT working) I'm going back tomorrow, to tell him this, and that it's all getting worse, but I’m not holding out much hope in that department.
It's not just my job of course, that's an easy fix, maybe find another, transfer... it's just life in general. 4 years ago, i went through a divorce, from a marriage of alcohol and abuse, that ended it's final days in a knife fight. So suddenly there I am, single mom of two boys, no income, a 50 year old house, that honestly should have been condemned, trying to put the pieces back together. then last year, finding my soul mate, and losing said soul mate in the worst, longest most drawn out way. No, he didn't die, but that may have been easier. a sudden painful lose might have made it easier instead of the long spiraling downward burning ball of flames we had to go through. It wasn’t our choice that we lost each other, more the ex's, the military, and just bad fricking luck and plans to be together fallen through, over and over and over... so to attempt to save my sanity... i ended it. and have been trying to put the pieces back together ever since. (After i find them)
Of course my friends are all trying to help, everyone has suggestions. "take it easy", "don’t let it get to you", "you just need to go have some fun" "have faith, God is there for you". I know they mean well, but seriously? It's all so pointless. Very few have ever felt like they've had a hole in them, so deep, and so raw, it hurts in places you didn't even know existed. I have no life left, no faith, no joy... now, now... everyone put down the phones and stop calling 911. I have no plans to off myself, especially here, especially now. I have to much to do, and two little young lives depend on me. Which makes this battle all the more terrible to fight, and this burden all the more harder to bear. I know that their lives and happiness are in direct correlation to mine. It's that old adage, if mom's not happy, no one is happy. But i also have this fear, the notion that because i didn't see all this coming, the depression, the fear, the struggle, that I may not see THAT coming...
I'm not even sure what's possessed me to start a blog. I’m only hoping I guess, that maybe it will help me heal, help me find help or more importantly help others who are in the same situation learn to cope and deal with it better because of me. Perhaps if I share the deepest thoughts, fears, hopes, good days and bad, unedited, no politically correct bs, maybe they'll see that they are not alone, like I feel right now.
This morning, sitting on the side of the freeway, I was scrolling through my phone, looking for someone, anyone, to call and cry to... I have many friends, and a good family, clergy, but honestly at 0600 in the morning, I just couldn't do that to my mother, best friends, sister or whoever. I'm hoping it's not that serious yet. So there I sat. crying. praying. in pain. I'm not even sure i will survive this. I’m pretty sure I will, like I said, I haven't reached that point yet. but the serious thought of getting my two hand guns (for protection) out of the house, crossed my mind. just in case. If someone had told me two years ago, that I'd be at this stage, I’d never had believed them. But now that I’m here, I’m scared it may go farther. That and maybe if I blog a little, even though I have no one I can really "talk" to, I might feel better pretending to talk to someone. So, to help that thought, I’m going to pretend to talk to God, and Keith. Keith, is my brother, who was killed when I was 11. If there was ever a text book case of hero worship in this world, I had it, for him... he was 8 years older than me, and he was my entire world. I don’t think i ever recovered losing him, but over the years the wound had scabbed over, and left a bit of a scar. sometimes it festers up and hurts all over again, but it's usually short lived and not to terribly painful.
Okay, you say, I understand talking to your brother, but God?? For you believers out there, I’m sure you understand and know God is the first one you should turn to. But in my case, I’m a fallen away Christian that is trying to find her way back. I've been struggling my whole life with the concept of how to believe because in my heart i want to, not because I know I should, that it's the "right" thing to do. But for you non-believers... please if you comment leave the negative anti God atheist comments out of this. This is my blog, my journey, my struggle. I believe in God, hands down, but I don’t have FAITH. But I don’t need people telling me there is not God, God is bullshit, yadda yadda yadda... I respect your views to not believe, so please respect mine to attempt to believe and attempt to find faith, joy and strength in that belief.
I'm hoping this helps. I’m hoping perhaps i can come back and write more. I'm hoping to survive, find love, find faith and find contentment, and joy once again. I'm not sure i will come back, but after writing this for the past hour, I’m still in pain, still crying but willing to keep trying.