When I initially started this blog, my goal (unrealistically) was to write a little something every day. Then I thought about it for about, oh, 10 seconds and decided twice a week would be a little more therapeutic, and a whole lot less stressful. It’s on this point, I concede defeat. I think about it everyday, but like everything else, my mind is so scattered, frustrated, stressed and worried, that I cant hold on to any thought longer than a pack of cigarettes lasts and an AA meeting. One thing I’ve realized this past week about depression, anxiety and the total mayhem I’ve let my life become is the fact that I’m a complete scatter brain.
Have you ever seen a little child (or some adult males) flip through the TV channels so fast with the remote, nothing makes sense, nothing registers, and nothing sticks out or commits to memory? It's all just a jumble of lights, sound, noise and visions? Welcome to my daily brain... the thoughts, the images, the sounds, the memories, daydreams, fears, ambitions, and wonderings flood in nonstop and gush out and away just as fast...
Now we all do that thing where we dance around the kitchen or garage for a few minutes going, “I know I had it right here…” that’s life, and sometimes, God reminding us to have a sense of humor about ourselves when you finally find it and cant figure for the life of you how you missed it (6 times!) when it was RIGHT THERE…
But mine I’ve noticed has taken on a complete art form, in a sick, sad sort of way. I don’t remember paying a bill, so I’ll pay it three times, or I swear I paid the bill and three months later, cant fathom why they’re so irritate and short with me in that lovely letter I received or that phone call I knew I shouldn’t have answered. I check, recheck and check something again, only because I’m afraid I forgot to do it, (like at work, or cooking or a simple task.) And then I worry and fret and obsess that I forgot it still. the second I’ve check it, (for the 4th time) I suddenly remember checking it the first 3 times, but up until I actually check on the task I’m thinking of, I’ll swear for the life of me, I didn’t do it, and don’t remember having done it 10 minutes ago, 20 minutes ago, AND 30 minutes ago. I’ll brush my teeth twice some mornings because I don’t remember doing it. I’ll find 3 coffee cups with fresh coffee in them floating around the house because I don’t remember where I set them or that I even had them. I lose things, find them, put them in another more obvious “safe” place only to lose them again. And again. And again. I’m amazed I haven’t lost my children yet, or mailed my mother to Africa. I’m pretty sure it’s only because lately my boys have learned (although probably not understood why) mom isn’t mom, and they‘re on their own survival course, and my mother’s to far away to get my mitts on her.
Praying is almost a bygone thing… I’ll start a prayer several times a day, but some where down the road I’ll realize, I didn’t finish, got distracted, or just plain forget what I’m doing. Reading my bible, studying the word to try to find help through all this, or anything for that matter, are just words. I look at them, I know what they mean, but I cant put them together to form an intelligent thought. Or, when I do, I have to reread pages or paragraphs because for the life of me, I’ve forgotten what I just read. I realize lately when I read a book, it’s something I’ve read a dozen times already only because I know it already and can follow it. (For the most part.)
I’m so frazzled, frustrated and sleepless because I cant make my mind settle down!!!
I have my good days, since I’ve started this battle to save myself, and yet, I still have those not so good days. This week, I’ve only cried a few times, but once it was for hours and although it was only 2 anxiety attacks, I’m still having them… but all the same, I’m still scattered and I feel completely lost. Something I’m just realizing has been going on for a while now.
I don’t sleep because I cant shut down my brain… I wake up every 45 min - 1 ½ hours. And, Wow! The dreams… The dreams are amazing, terrifying, uncanny or just plain crazy. I’ve always dreamed, every since I can remember, and what strange is some of them have come true. But these ones lately haunt me and defy all logic.
I'll be starting a little therapy soon, to work through some of these issues i've been struggling with and i know my first question will be, "I’m lost. Is this normal? Is the part of what I’m going through or something unrelated and different? Will I ever be back to that place where… where I don’t feel the way I feel right now." And i'm pretty sure i'll forget it ask at least 6 times, and when i do remember to ask, i'll ask her 3 times for the first few visits.
One of the simplest goals I have right now is to have the bills paid right again, understand and enjoy my faith again, be able to recall everything I’ve done, where it’s all at, and not seek, obsess or look for anything; sit back and relax, enjoy my children and that one cup of coffee I started with.
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