“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silent hurt more.”
C.S. Lewis
My closest friends know most of how hard I've struggle this past year, what's been going on in my life that left me at rock bottom... But few, if any, until I started blogging about it, and finally talking a little about it, knew how close I was to ending it, giving up... how I just didn't have anything left. There's something about silence that I've experienced while going through all this... The silence of fear, pain, loneliness and defeat are louder than the most violent of battlefields. They reverberate so loudly your body and soul trembles with it, and the ache left behind is a bruise that is slow and painful to heal...
I know this because I was there. If your lucky, eventually, it becomes a quiet hush in the back of your mind. You catch a wisp of it on the air, and you have to strain to listen for it. And after a time, and a long fight to save yourself, and struggle to be who you were, the bruises are faded, healing... now again, a nudge or bump will bring them back fresh, but all in all... recovery might finally be well under way...
More than anything, I miss and love the silences that made the person I used to be.
Do you have one of those friends that their life is a constant whirlwind of noise, motion and activity? They seem to be a flurry of kids, life, spouse, work, volunteering, girl scouts, soccer, church... slamming doors, barking dogs, boiling pots on the stove, spilled milk, ringing phones, stuck garage doors, painting the bathroom... the list is endless. And exhausting. And yet they seem to be thriving and loving every minute of it. Just thinking about it stresses me out and makes me want to hide in a closet.
Silence can measure the level of a relationship and life like no other way possible. There the awkward silence of a first date. The cold silence of an angry couple running out of love, or the loving silence of 70 years of marriage, grateful as they snuggle in and sleep together one more night. The fresh new silence of an early morning sunrise, the heavy silence of depression or pain. The sweet silence of the night as your family and home settle in for slumbers and dreams, safe and warm. Through all the challenges I've had in my life lately, my comforting silences are long gone, and the roaring silence of loneliness, fear and lost faith are left in their wake. The sounds of a shattered life are far louder.
" ...God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls." Mother Teresa
My family didn't attend church. We lived out in the middle of nowhere in a small Idaho farm community. Across three fields and a couple country roads I could see a beautiful little cabin country church. Back then it was ok to let your kids wander the countryside, and I started going, by myself when I was 7 or 8. There I met Mrs. Allison. She was the oldest woman I think I've ever met in my life. She was wrinkly, her grey hair in a tidy bun, driving her red and white 1940's jeep. And she was beautiful, wonderful. For the rest of my life I'll remember sitting with Mrs. Allison in that little log cabin church as she would help me find the scripture a lost lonely little girl could never find. I'll remember the woody smell and the quiet pride of it all. She was kind, patient, giving, and loved children. Her manner and voice were that of calm, sturdy faith and sitting in silence with her was warm and comforting. Not too long after my older brother started going to church with me, and Mrs Allison took him under her wing and adopted him as well. She always had time for us, explained things to us that we couldn't understand, and most of all, just let us be who we were and loved us for it.
Because of our growing in faith together and our common bonds, my relationship with Keith grew in leaps and bounds. With 8 years between us, he was everything amazing a little girl could imagine. He became my entire world. He tought me how to fish before I was taller than the pole, and how to drive Dad's favorite car. He drug me with him to football games, friend's houses, road trips, and motorcycle rides... And although we had many conversations that to this day I still remember and will always live by, I remember sitting there on the banks of the water, in silence, unspeaking, fishing, completely comfortable, happy; a part of something amazing. It was the kind of silence that all you could hear was the wind moving across the water and the occasional beetle or cricket's song. The "plop" of the fly hitting the water. Anything louder than that would have ruined memories that have gotten me through so many struggles and lonely times... After he died, the silence of his absence left scars so deep I still feel them today. That was the first time in my young life that I learned there isn’t always comfort in silence.
When Andy was little, people used to comment on our silent conversations all the time. All we had to do was look at each other. There was a slight nod from him, a raised eye brown from me... a flash in his eye and a look from me. Back and forth we’d go. Easy enough for us, a total mystery to others. We read each other like books, and generally knew exactly what the other one was thinking. We did it all the time. There something about sharing a bond that deep with your child that nothing can ever compare to. I miss that with him. I admit, that with all the challenges, pain, and failures I've had in my life, I lost the one true connection I had with Andy. There's something about becoming a man of his own and how our lives somehow became separate entities that even though we are still close, and can still look at each other and usually have a good idea, it's harder, and rarely happens.
The silences in my life now are a world’s difference than what I’m used to. They remind me of how I’ve screwed up, been screwed, lonely, hurt and lost… but I’m working on… Once day alone, on the ledge of Miller’s cave, over looking the valley and river below, the silence of the day brought a touch of healing I needed. The quiet morning coffee on the porch of our new home, in our new town with a fresh start, my head bowed silently in prayer in a church where I finally find comfort… hopefully someday I’ll find myself back in a place in life where I’m comfortable in the silences I’ve found, made new ones that bring me strength and contentment, and I can leave the ones behind that scream out loud of the pain I’m working so hard to get away from… And all in all these past few months… the volume of those silences screaming out at me are getting softer… quieter… silent.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Without Pain There Cannot be Compassion...
It’s been a rough, long past 2 years… Something that has circled through my mind again and again, is “why God? Why are you letting bad things happen to good people?”
Usually I hear this from others, when there’s a terrible natural disaster on the news, or some gruesome and terrible thing befalls people who are close to me. I hear this comment and see it almost every day… I know at one point or another we’ve all said it, at least once in our lives…
In my life lately I’ve said it so much, I never want to say it again. I’ve always tried to do the right thing… I’ve always tried to be the better person, the one who is there, the one that when it’s all said and done people will say, she was a good person. Sometimes, I get it right… and sometimes, I fail. Not just an “Oops, my bad” fail… but these past few years, I’ve failed at so many thing, and gotten it so disastrously wrong so many times, there’s nothing left to screw up other than to take the shattered pieces of my life and throw them in the gutter…
So, I’ve been contemplating this… during the dark watches of the nights, alone, or driving to and from my daily destinations, wishing I could just keep on going to where no one knows me anymore… “Why God? Why are all these bad things happening to me? Why am I being put through all this?”
It’s been a long road of recovery, and I’m nowhere near ready to say I’m there… but to this particular question. I might have an answer.
Because without pain, there cannot be compassion.
Yep. I’m afraid, it’s just that simple.
Thomas Merton once wrote… “The whole idea of compassion is based in a keen awareness of the interdependence of all the living beings, which are all part of one another, and all involved in one another.”
It may be a pretty big concept to grasp for some… so let’s start small. Have you ever seen anyone stub their toe, really hard?? As they are dancing around, crying in pain… what is your first thought? “Oh my gosh, I know how bad that hurts!! Are you ok??” Ever sympathized with someone who has a paper cut? Or got something in their eyes? You feel for them, you ach for them cause you’ve been there, you know it’s out of their control, (it’s not like they did it on purpose!) and you know how much that stings. And there it is. Compassion ~ kindergarten style.
To that person that watch someone die, or lost them suddenly in a tragic way. I know this pain, and will hold you closer in my heart. To that single mother who cant pay the bills but doesn't give up; I now have compassion and respect. To that person (and oh, there are so many of us!) who is dealing with lost love, I can say, I know how you feel, and mean it with all my heart, not just that sympathy thing people say. With respect, and compassion, I can share their pain, and hopefully help them deal with it and start to heal. Total burnout at work? Yep… I know that one too… Learning to live again after someone’s abuse and alcoholic ways. anxiety attacks, depression, feelings of complete worthlessness, suicide, loneliness, frustration and loss of faith… come sit next to me. We can bleed and cry, and heal together… and yet, we can still hold our heads up and look each other in the eyes… because there is respect and understanding. Not sympathy, not pity. MY pain has given me compassion for THEM.
I think all these thing I’ve been going through, struggling with, suffering from, are yet another lesson for me. I’ve always believed, even when my faith was at (and is) it’s lowest, that to everything, everyday, God has a lesson for me… It’s just up to me to listen and find it.
Even though I’ve felt for people and have tried to do the right thing, there’s always been an underlying element there that perhaps I missed. The humility and true compassion for the situation. I admit, pride is one of my biggest sins. I’ve always believed, I’ve had it under control, that I could do it on my own, that I didn‘t need anyone. Especially when sometimes (more often than not) it creates more hassle than help… and for the most part, I have. But these last few years, I’ve had to take great lessons in humility because when everything is in little tiny pieces you cannot pick them up alone.
When you see someone in a situation or with a problem, sometimes we think, “how’d they let themselves get into that situation?” or “why would they let this happen to them? I would never let that happen.” Your still willing to help, and you’re still there, but in the quiet of your mind, those little thoughts are sometimes there. I have been guilty of that more than I care to admit. That is a form of pride that makes compassion suffer.
“Sometimes compassion also carries a sense of pity. This is wrong--any love or compassion which entails looking down on the other is not genuine compassion. To be genuine, compassion must be based on respect for the other, and on the realization that others have the right to be happy and overcome suffering just as much as you.”
The Dalai Lama
1 Peter 3:8 “finally all of you, live in harmony with one another. Be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble”
Compassion can not exist with out humility. To the lucky ones, they were born with natural humility. To the rest of us hard headed stubborn souls, we’ve had to learn it. The hard way, over and over again… Life has knocked me down so many times, that I wasn’t able to get up. Thank God his strength is made perfect in my weakness. He’s been the one to lift me up, drag me on, and with the help of other he’s blessed me with in my life, thankfully, I’m still here…
This road of recovery and rediscovering myself is going to be long. It‘s been painful, hurtful and embarrassing…But at least I’m finally on the road. And after all of it, I’ve also found a new sense of pride. Not the pride from before that said I can do it, or that wont happen to me… This is the good kind. The kind that says I've been there, I’m surviving, and I’m able to help you, to understand you… The kind that when I find people who are where I was, I look at them new ~ completely, humbly, respectfully and compassionately.
Usually I hear this from others, when there’s a terrible natural disaster on the news, or some gruesome and terrible thing befalls people who are close to me. I hear this comment and see it almost every day… I know at one point or another we’ve all said it, at least once in our lives…
In my life lately I’ve said it so much, I never want to say it again. I’ve always tried to do the right thing… I’ve always tried to be the better person, the one who is there, the one that when it’s all said and done people will say, she was a good person. Sometimes, I get it right… and sometimes, I fail. Not just an “Oops, my bad” fail… but these past few years, I’ve failed at so many thing, and gotten it so disastrously wrong so many times, there’s nothing left to screw up other than to take the shattered pieces of my life and throw them in the gutter…
So, I’ve been contemplating this… during the dark watches of the nights, alone, or driving to and from my daily destinations, wishing I could just keep on going to where no one knows me anymore… “Why God? Why are all these bad things happening to me? Why am I being put through all this?”
It’s been a long road of recovery, and I’m nowhere near ready to say I’m there… but to this particular question. I might have an answer.
Because without pain, there cannot be compassion.
Yep. I’m afraid, it’s just that simple.
Thomas Merton once wrote… “The whole idea of compassion is based in a keen awareness of the interdependence of all the living beings, which are all part of one another, and all involved in one another.”
It may be a pretty big concept to grasp for some… so let’s start small. Have you ever seen anyone stub their toe, really hard?? As they are dancing around, crying in pain… what is your first thought? “Oh my gosh, I know how bad that hurts!! Are you ok??” Ever sympathized with someone who has a paper cut? Or got something in their eyes? You feel for them, you ach for them cause you’ve been there, you know it’s out of their control, (it’s not like they did it on purpose!) and you know how much that stings. And there it is. Compassion ~ kindergarten style.
To that person that watch someone die, or lost them suddenly in a tragic way. I know this pain, and will hold you closer in my heart. To that single mother who cant pay the bills but doesn't give up; I now have compassion and respect. To that person (and oh, there are so many of us!) who is dealing with lost love, I can say, I know how you feel, and mean it with all my heart, not just that sympathy thing people say. With respect, and compassion, I can share their pain, and hopefully help them deal with it and start to heal. Total burnout at work? Yep… I know that one too… Learning to live again after someone’s abuse and alcoholic ways. anxiety attacks, depression, feelings of complete worthlessness, suicide, loneliness, frustration and loss of faith… come sit next to me. We can bleed and cry, and heal together… and yet, we can still hold our heads up and look each other in the eyes… because there is respect and understanding. Not sympathy, not pity. MY pain has given me compassion for THEM.
I think all these thing I’ve been going through, struggling with, suffering from, are yet another lesson for me. I’ve always believed, even when my faith was at (and is) it’s lowest, that to everything, everyday, God has a lesson for me… It’s just up to me to listen and find it.
Even though I’ve felt for people and have tried to do the right thing, there’s always been an underlying element there that perhaps I missed. The humility and true compassion for the situation. I admit, pride is one of my biggest sins. I’ve always believed, I’ve had it under control, that I could do it on my own, that I didn‘t need anyone. Especially when sometimes (more often than not) it creates more hassle than help… and for the most part, I have. But these last few years, I’ve had to take great lessons in humility because when everything is in little tiny pieces you cannot pick them up alone.
When you see someone in a situation or with a problem, sometimes we think, “how’d they let themselves get into that situation?” or “why would they let this happen to them? I would never let that happen.” Your still willing to help, and you’re still there, but in the quiet of your mind, those little thoughts are sometimes there. I have been guilty of that more than I care to admit. That is a form of pride that makes compassion suffer.
“Sometimes compassion also carries a sense of pity. This is wrong--any love or compassion which entails looking down on the other is not genuine compassion. To be genuine, compassion must be based on respect for the other, and on the realization that others have the right to be happy and overcome suffering just as much as you.”
The Dalai Lama
1 Peter 3:8 “finally all of you, live in harmony with one another. Be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble”
Compassion can not exist with out humility. To the lucky ones, they were born with natural humility. To the rest of us hard headed stubborn souls, we’ve had to learn it. The hard way, over and over again… Life has knocked me down so many times, that I wasn’t able to get up. Thank God his strength is made perfect in my weakness. He’s been the one to lift me up, drag me on, and with the help of other he’s blessed me with in my life, thankfully, I’m still here…
This road of recovery and rediscovering myself is going to be long. It‘s been painful, hurtful and embarrassing…But at least I’m finally on the road. And after all of it, I’ve also found a new sense of pride. Not the pride from before that said I can do it, or that wont happen to me… This is the good kind. The kind that says I've been there, I’m surviving, and I’m able to help you, to understand you… The kind that when I find people who are where I was, I look at them new ~ completely, humbly, respectfully and compassionately.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
In Memory of Pastor Terry Key...
We once knew a man… This man baptized my son. On a dark night of violence, he came and snatched my two little boys while a knife fight was going on in my home… he was quick with a smile and a handshake, he was calm, caring, a humble man of God, quick with a song, and the fastest person to pull you into a genuine hug. And Christmas Eve, he passed away…
My battles in my life, and with my faith distanced me from this man in the end, much to my regret… but his touch on my life will not be forgotten. When I first started attending his little church, I would sit quietly, in the back, head down, eyes down, fearful and torn, feeling I didn‘t belong in such a holy place. I was a lost and fallen away Christian. I had to many sins to deserve to be there… and his words would heal and comfort me… I remember several of my first few visits finding myself in tears because I felt he was speaking directly to me…
A story he told often… And one that touched me and always made me think… I may not get it right verbatim, but I know what he was trying to say to me, and this story sticks with me, even today…
“There was an elderly man that attended church for most of his life. Then one Sunday he didn’t come. No one really thought much of it at first… after several Sundays had passed and the man still hadn’t come, the Preacher decided it was time to go and talk with the elderly man…
The preacher came in to see the man sitting in front of a dying fire. The heat of the embers warming the room, glowing red in the fireplace.
“I know why you’re here, Preacher.” said the man before he could speak. “I’m just tired of it all. If I don’t want to go to church anymore and I shouldn’t have to.” The Preacher sat down next to the man in front of the fire, as the man continued the many reasons why he didn’t need church…
After a long silence, the Preacher, who still hadn’t spoken, took the fireplace poker and started to stir the embers… pretty soon, he pulled a large glowing red on fire ember out of the pile… he placed the ember on the edge of the cold stones of the fireplace.
As the two men sat there, in silence, they watched the ember… slowly fade, growing cold and dying out…
With a tear in the old man’s eye, he said. “I hear you Preacher. I’ll be there next Sunday.”
Rest in Peace Terry Key. You were an amazing man of faith in this life. Your work here was done, your rewards wait. You’ll see the peace and comfort in the face of God and welcome us who follow after you, because of your teaching, and sharing of faith. I know my family will miss you, but I cant be sad that your gone, because I know you in the one place you were meant to be in…
My battles in my life, and with my faith distanced me from this man in the end, much to my regret… but his touch on my life will not be forgotten. When I first started attending his little church, I would sit quietly, in the back, head down, eyes down, fearful and torn, feeling I didn‘t belong in such a holy place. I was a lost and fallen away Christian. I had to many sins to deserve to be there… and his words would heal and comfort me… I remember several of my first few visits finding myself in tears because I felt he was speaking directly to me…
A story he told often… And one that touched me and always made me think… I may not get it right verbatim, but I know what he was trying to say to me, and this story sticks with me, even today…
“There was an elderly man that attended church for most of his life. Then one Sunday he didn’t come. No one really thought much of it at first… after several Sundays had passed and the man still hadn’t come, the Preacher decided it was time to go and talk with the elderly man…
The preacher came in to see the man sitting in front of a dying fire. The heat of the embers warming the room, glowing red in the fireplace.
“I know why you’re here, Preacher.” said the man before he could speak. “I’m just tired of it all. If I don’t want to go to church anymore and I shouldn’t have to.” The Preacher sat down next to the man in front of the fire, as the man continued the many reasons why he didn’t need church…
After a long silence, the Preacher, who still hadn’t spoken, took the fireplace poker and started to stir the embers… pretty soon, he pulled a large glowing red on fire ember out of the pile… he placed the ember on the edge of the cold stones of the fireplace.
As the two men sat there, in silence, they watched the ember… slowly fade, growing cold and dying out…
With a tear in the old man’s eye, he said. “I hear you Preacher. I’ll be there next Sunday.”
Rest in Peace Terry Key. You were an amazing man of faith in this life. Your work here was done, your rewards wait. You’ll see the peace and comfort in the face of God and welcome us who follow after you, because of your teaching, and sharing of faith. I know my family will miss you, but I cant be sad that your gone, because I know you in the one place you were meant to be in…
Sunday, December 12, 2010
I have a little shattered piece for you...
You know, it’s amazing. The past two years, I’ve gone from the highest point in my life, to the absolute lowest. I’ve had lots of lows, just like lots of highs, but for the first time in my life, I was completely devastated. Wiped out. Done. Everything I ever was, knew or felt was completely shattered and left scattered to the winds… I had nothing left but try to put the pieces back together… There were so many pieces I wasn’t even sure I’d find them all again. I felt like I’d be searching and trying to fit them all back together forever… a task I wasn’t looking forward to. I knew I didn’t have the strength, I really didn‘t care anyway, but also knew I had no choice. No one was going to be able to do this for me…
And that’s the amazing part… those shattered pieces were the beginning of my salvation. You see, someone who has never been there, can not understand what an incredible opportunity it can be when you have to rebuild yourself, rebuild who you are… They know who they are, and for better or worse, they don’t even realize what changes they could make. They are blissfully unaware of flaws or issues that once let go of, will make them a better person. They are content to be who they are. But when you lose everything, your faith, your joy, love and contentment, your confidence, your very belief in yourself and others around you ~ you have a choice… rebuild the old person you were with more hurt and hang ups than before or… rebuild to be a better you… all those shattered pieces of my heart and life I’ve been slowly gathering I’ve been looking at it… piece by piece… This is my chance… that piece of broken trust from the abusive alcoholic relationship. Leave it behind… That piece of pain from rejection and suffering. Gone. I don’t have to pick it up… Aggression, anger, hurt… leave them lay right where they are. The pains and disappointments that have hurt for so long; this is the one chance for them to heal over. Sure, the scars wont be pretty and will always remain. But the infection will be gone. Left behind in the healing aftermath…
Oh, but look… here’s that little piece of faith that I’d lost so long ago… it’s tiny and cracked. But if I put it with this little piece of contentment, it’s a little bigger. And stronger. Wow… I found a piece of lost friendships rekindled. Oh my gosh! I’m putting that right here, next to my heart. It’ll grown and feed me and I’ll gain strength from the love of others… hhhmmmm…. There’s this little bit of trust I just found. I didn’t even know I had it; it‘d been so long since I‘d seen it… I really kind of forgot what it looked like… It was right under that shard of faith. They’d been stuck together so long they’re kinda glued, one with the other. But look at the pretty shape they’re in. and look how their colors match love and contentment… How’d this little piece of anger get in here! I think I’ll just throw it away… it’s to dark and ugly to want to keep. Ooohhhhh…. Here’s a big piece of forgiveness. Wow!! I’m not sure I can carry this. I want to bring it along with me, and make it a part of me, but it’s so big, and hard to carry… but in a way, that will make me stronger. It will hurt and be a struggle to carry with me. I’m sure I feel the sting more than once or twice. I’m pretty sure there’s going to be times where I’m going to just want to leave it behind. I’ll feel it’s not worth it. but I know in the end, it’ll be totally worth it. Yes, I think I’d better find room for it right next to love and friendships…. Here‘s a little creativity and fun! Wow!! Those are big pieces!! How did I miss those for so long??”
And the list goes on and on… compassion, love, kindness, peace, courage… the more I gather the pieces together, the more they grow, and fuse together to make a person I want to be. Sure there’s going to be those little slivers of the pieces I left behind. And like all slivers, they will fester and be sore for a minute. But soon enough they’ll scab over and heal and they wont be quite so noticeable.
As I’m putting the pieces back together, I realize other’s have left me pieces of themselves also… I’m sure they didn’t intend too, but it just happens that way I guess. Here’s a little bit of faith from this friend, and shard of laughter from that one… A kind word and smile from a stranger on a day that was particularly rough. This one gave me strength to get up again, when I didn’t have the strength to do it on my own. A hug from her, encouragement from him. Those people over there left a little compassion and comfort. And the warmth of love and friendship clings to all those little pieces… As I struggle to get through all this, I look around me, and in the chaos, see all these little pieces shinning up at me, glittering, glistening. They’re beautiful and comforting and sparkling… They fuse with the pieces of me, and it all starts to blend and hold me together… and maybe someday I’ll have enough pieces and parts that I’ll feel whole again. Only stronger, with faith and comfort. With joy and love that I’ve either forgotten or given up on.
There’s another amazing thing I’ve learned about these shattered pieces. I have lots of extra pieces to share now. I only need a few, just a little. But there are so many now. I have a piece courage for the friend whose faith is struggling… I have a piece comfort for that friend who is sick and feels like she’ll never get better… here’s a little piece of strength and empathy for that one going through a painful divorce. And a piece for you, and her, and him… my family, my children, my friends, strangers, coworkers, and just people I pass on the street. With all these little pieces I have more than enough to share, I just have to remember to do it… If i put them all with the pieces of courage i'm finding, i'm sure i can do it...
I’ve noticed also the pieces are getting bigger… the more I gather, and share, and take, and discover, all those little pieces are growing, and thriving… with nurturing and encouragement, love and faith, they seem to take on a life of their own. A life that not to long ago, I’d never believe in, or think for a moment was for me, or that I deserved.
The past few month there was that one piece that continually eluded me. Hope… I couldn’t find it anywhere… Hope for a better life. Hope for love. Hope for returned faith. Hope for contentment. But I started looking at the pieces I did have… there’s something in between them, holding them all together… I don’t remember putting it there, but it’s there… small, almost invisible… but there it is… I couldn’t figure it out at first. What is that holding all those pieces together?? Then without looking for it, I found it… Hope. I realized it was there all along, but without all the other pieces, it has nothing to cling to... you'll never see it unless you look at all the other pieces first.
After it’s all said and done, I’m not whole yet, and probably, honestly never will be. But that’s okay too. Because as long as I’m still looking for all those shattered pieces, I have the choice to leave the bad ones behind, share the good ones, and choose who I want to be with the pieces that are left.
And that’s the amazing part… those shattered pieces were the beginning of my salvation. You see, someone who has never been there, can not understand what an incredible opportunity it can be when you have to rebuild yourself, rebuild who you are… They know who they are, and for better or worse, they don’t even realize what changes they could make. They are blissfully unaware of flaws or issues that once let go of, will make them a better person. They are content to be who they are. But when you lose everything, your faith, your joy, love and contentment, your confidence, your very belief in yourself and others around you ~ you have a choice… rebuild the old person you were with more hurt and hang ups than before or… rebuild to be a better you… all those shattered pieces of my heart and life I’ve been slowly gathering I’ve been looking at it… piece by piece… This is my chance… that piece of broken trust from the abusive alcoholic relationship. Leave it behind… That piece of pain from rejection and suffering. Gone. I don’t have to pick it up… Aggression, anger, hurt… leave them lay right where they are. The pains and disappointments that have hurt for so long; this is the one chance for them to heal over. Sure, the scars wont be pretty and will always remain. But the infection will be gone. Left behind in the healing aftermath…
Oh, but look… here’s that little piece of faith that I’d lost so long ago… it’s tiny and cracked. But if I put it with this little piece of contentment, it’s a little bigger. And stronger. Wow… I found a piece of lost friendships rekindled. Oh my gosh! I’m putting that right here, next to my heart. It’ll grown and feed me and I’ll gain strength from the love of others… hhhmmmm…. There’s this little bit of trust I just found. I didn’t even know I had it; it‘d been so long since I‘d seen it… I really kind of forgot what it looked like… It was right under that shard of faith. They’d been stuck together so long they’re kinda glued, one with the other. But look at the pretty shape they’re in. and look how their colors match love and contentment… How’d this little piece of anger get in here! I think I’ll just throw it away… it’s to dark and ugly to want to keep. Ooohhhhh…. Here’s a big piece of forgiveness. Wow!! I’m not sure I can carry this. I want to bring it along with me, and make it a part of me, but it’s so big, and hard to carry… but in a way, that will make me stronger. It will hurt and be a struggle to carry with me. I’m sure I feel the sting more than once or twice. I’m pretty sure there’s going to be times where I’m going to just want to leave it behind. I’ll feel it’s not worth it. but I know in the end, it’ll be totally worth it. Yes, I think I’d better find room for it right next to love and friendships…. Here‘s a little creativity and fun! Wow!! Those are big pieces!! How did I miss those for so long??”
And the list goes on and on… compassion, love, kindness, peace, courage… the more I gather the pieces together, the more they grow, and fuse together to make a person I want to be. Sure there’s going to be those little slivers of the pieces I left behind. And like all slivers, they will fester and be sore for a minute. But soon enough they’ll scab over and heal and they wont be quite so noticeable.
As I’m putting the pieces back together, I realize other’s have left me pieces of themselves also… I’m sure they didn’t intend too, but it just happens that way I guess. Here’s a little bit of faith from this friend, and shard of laughter from that one… A kind word and smile from a stranger on a day that was particularly rough. This one gave me strength to get up again, when I didn’t have the strength to do it on my own. A hug from her, encouragement from him. Those people over there left a little compassion and comfort. And the warmth of love and friendship clings to all those little pieces… As I struggle to get through all this, I look around me, and in the chaos, see all these little pieces shinning up at me, glittering, glistening. They’re beautiful and comforting and sparkling… They fuse with the pieces of me, and it all starts to blend and hold me together… and maybe someday I’ll have enough pieces and parts that I’ll feel whole again. Only stronger, with faith and comfort. With joy and love that I’ve either forgotten or given up on.
There’s another amazing thing I’ve learned about these shattered pieces. I have lots of extra pieces to share now. I only need a few, just a little. But there are so many now. I have a piece courage for the friend whose faith is struggling… I have a piece comfort for that friend who is sick and feels like she’ll never get better… here’s a little piece of strength and empathy for that one going through a painful divorce. And a piece for you, and her, and him… my family, my children, my friends, strangers, coworkers, and just people I pass on the street. With all these little pieces I have more than enough to share, I just have to remember to do it… If i put them all with the pieces of courage i'm finding, i'm sure i can do it...
I’ve noticed also the pieces are getting bigger… the more I gather, and share, and take, and discover, all those little pieces are growing, and thriving… with nurturing and encouragement, love and faith, they seem to take on a life of their own. A life that not to long ago, I’d never believe in, or think for a moment was for me, or that I deserved.
The past few month there was that one piece that continually eluded me. Hope… I couldn’t find it anywhere… Hope for a better life. Hope for love. Hope for returned faith. Hope for contentment. But I started looking at the pieces I did have… there’s something in between them, holding them all together… I don’t remember putting it there, but it’s there… small, almost invisible… but there it is… I couldn’t figure it out at first. What is that holding all those pieces together?? Then without looking for it, I found it… Hope. I realized it was there all along, but without all the other pieces, it has nothing to cling to... you'll never see it unless you look at all the other pieces first.
After it’s all said and done, I’m not whole yet, and probably, honestly never will be. But that’s okay too. Because as long as I’m still looking for all those shattered pieces, I have the choice to leave the bad ones behind, share the good ones, and choose who I want to be with the pieces that are left.
Monday, November 15, 2010
God DOES give us more than we can handle, EVERYDAY.
One of the things people tell me during this trial, this challenge of mine is “Don’t worry, God wont give you more than you can handle.” I’ve held onto and chanted this mantra to myself until the breaking point and past. Then one day a very good non-religious friend told me no where does it say that in the bible. Yeah, right, I thought. It’s there somewhere. But then another very devote Christian friend said the same thing a few days later!! NO! please!! This is what’s been getting me through!! So, I started digging. I wanted so badly to prove them wrong. I looked, and searched. And cross referenced. And studied. And guess what. It’s JUNK!! I know people mean well when they say this, but I hate to tell them but no where in the bible does it say that!! It’s an empty sentiment that gives you empty comfort!!
*a gasp of shock from the crowd!* Yep. I’m a Christian, albeit a struggling one. Yep, I do believe. I just believe that you should believe what the bible says, not what people want to assume…
“But what about… ?” what about what? The one verse in the bible that says God wont give you more than you can handle?? Trust me, it’s not there, I’ve spent hours and hours looking… Especially when I was and AM at my lowest point in life, ever. I kept letting myself believe that empty foolish sentiment. I finally convinced myself, it’s not there. This very “saying” was mentioned again, in Sunday school yesterday. That’s what’s prompted this blog. These amazing men and women of faith, these Christians I look up to, (and still do) were talking about this very thing. I actually had an anxiety attack sitting right there… (mild, and well controlled.) but still… I wanted to say something so bad, but didn’t have it straight in my brain right then, but I do now. I didn’t want to pop off and start a holy war, unarmed. I knew in my heart, they were wrong. Well meaning, misguided, but wrong… I’ve been thinking about since yesterday, and I welcome anyone to prove me wrong. I’m begging. Please. Because it would lessen the pain and struggle I’ve been going through…
Okay… so you say, what about this one??
1 Corinthians 10:13 (NIV) "No temptation has seized you except what is
common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted
beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide
a way out so that you can stand up under it."
Why is this always the first, (and only) verse of proof they have?? This is a very fine verse, and actually if you google it, it comes up as proof that God wont give you more than you can bear. BUT… we’re ignoring the most important word in that whole verse. Temptation. This verse isn’t talking about strife, struggle or what to do when life is to hard to want to go on. It’s talking about temptation. That’s it. That’s all. Doing right by the Lord, and walking away from sin. God will not TEMPT us more than we can bear. He even gives us escape routes when we face temptation! That’s all well and good, but I’m not facing temptation at the moment. I’m facing doubt. Lack of faith. Pain. Depression. Anxiety. Stress. Worry. I’m to the point, I cant take anymore and really most days don’t want to go on.
My conclusion is this… (and I can back it up.) God WILL and DOES give us more than we can handle EVERYDAY!
1 Peter 1:6 “In this you greatly rejoice, though now, for a little while, you may have to suffer in all kinds of trials.”
John 16:33 “in this world you will have trouble. But take heart, I will overcome the world”
Whoa. Wait a minute. SUFFER?? TRIALS?? TROUBLE?? What the… I thought God wants me to be happy?? L Those are just two… if you want more, fine. I’ll send them right along…
But wait!!! Is that a glimmer of… ??? Could it be???
Isaiah 40: 29 and 31 “He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might HE increases strength.”
“But those who wait upon the Lord, shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary.”
Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”
2 Corinthians 12:9 “And he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for MY strength is made perfect in weakness.”
Psalms 34:18 “The lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
(Want more? I can send those too.)
God wants us to suffer. He wants us challenged. Because only when we can not go another step, when we can not do any more, HIS strength kicks in. When we can no longer stand, he carries us. He gives is HIS strength when we have none left of our own. Only by turning to him in trials and suffering do we become closer to him and he WILL see us through. All you have to do is have faith. All you have to do is believe. Right now that is the hardest thing in my life for me to do. But I’m working on it, and after this blog, I feel I’m so much closer than before.
Psalms 30:5 says, “weeping may endure the night, but joy comes in the morning.”
Every painful struggle, trial and challenge I face, God has a timing for it to end. He has his reasons, and his ways to give me strength and comfort.
So although he does give me more than I can handle, and already has… after this, I feel stronger than ever. I might even begin to feel like I will survive this too. I know I still have my bad days ahead of me, I know I will suffer and feel pain, but the strength and comfort I will get at the end will be worth it and more appreciated because of it.
*a gasp of shock from the crowd!* Yep. I’m a Christian, albeit a struggling one. Yep, I do believe. I just believe that you should believe what the bible says, not what people want to assume…
“But what about… ?” what about what? The one verse in the bible that says God wont give you more than you can handle?? Trust me, it’s not there, I’ve spent hours and hours looking… Especially when I was and AM at my lowest point in life, ever. I kept letting myself believe that empty foolish sentiment. I finally convinced myself, it’s not there. This very “saying” was mentioned again, in Sunday school yesterday. That’s what’s prompted this blog. These amazing men and women of faith, these Christians I look up to, (and still do) were talking about this very thing. I actually had an anxiety attack sitting right there… (mild, and well controlled.) but still… I wanted to say something so bad, but didn’t have it straight in my brain right then, but I do now. I didn’t want to pop off and start a holy war, unarmed. I knew in my heart, they were wrong. Well meaning, misguided, but wrong… I’ve been thinking about since yesterday, and I welcome anyone to prove me wrong. I’m begging. Please. Because it would lessen the pain and struggle I’ve been going through…
Okay… so you say, what about this one??
1 Corinthians 10:13 (NIV) "No temptation has seized you except what is
common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted
beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide
a way out so that you can stand up under it."
Why is this always the first, (and only) verse of proof they have?? This is a very fine verse, and actually if you google it, it comes up as proof that God wont give you more than you can bear. BUT… we’re ignoring the most important word in that whole verse. Temptation. This verse isn’t talking about strife, struggle or what to do when life is to hard to want to go on. It’s talking about temptation. That’s it. That’s all. Doing right by the Lord, and walking away from sin. God will not TEMPT us more than we can bear. He even gives us escape routes when we face temptation! That’s all well and good, but I’m not facing temptation at the moment. I’m facing doubt. Lack of faith. Pain. Depression. Anxiety. Stress. Worry. I’m to the point, I cant take anymore and really most days don’t want to go on.
My conclusion is this… (and I can back it up.) God WILL and DOES give us more than we can handle EVERYDAY!
1 Peter 1:6 “In this you greatly rejoice, though now, for a little while, you may have to suffer in all kinds of trials.”
John 16:33 “in this world you will have trouble. But take heart, I will overcome the world”
Whoa. Wait a minute. SUFFER?? TRIALS?? TROUBLE?? What the… I thought God wants me to be happy?? L Those are just two… if you want more, fine. I’ll send them right along…
But wait!!! Is that a glimmer of… ??? Could it be???
Isaiah 40: 29 and 31 “He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might HE increases strength.”
“But those who wait upon the Lord, shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary.”
Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”
2 Corinthians 12:9 “And he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for MY strength is made perfect in weakness.”
Psalms 34:18 “The lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
(Want more? I can send those too.)
God wants us to suffer. He wants us challenged. Because only when we can not go another step, when we can not do any more, HIS strength kicks in. When we can no longer stand, he carries us. He gives is HIS strength when we have none left of our own. Only by turning to him in trials and suffering do we become closer to him and he WILL see us through. All you have to do is have faith. All you have to do is believe. Right now that is the hardest thing in my life for me to do. But I’m working on it, and after this blog, I feel I’m so much closer than before.
Psalms 30:5 says, “weeping may endure the night, but joy comes in the morning.”
Every painful struggle, trial and challenge I face, God has a timing for it to end. He has his reasons, and his ways to give me strength and comfort.
So although he does give me more than I can handle, and already has… after this, I feel stronger than ever. I might even begin to feel like I will survive this too. I know I still have my bad days ahead of me, I know I will suffer and feel pain, but the strength and comfort I will get at the end will be worth it and more appreciated because of it.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Today's Forcast... scattered with a chance of coffee
When I initially started this blog, my goal (unrealistically) was to write a little something every day. Then I thought about it for about, oh, 10 seconds and decided twice a week would be a little more therapeutic, and a whole lot less stressful. It’s on this point, I concede defeat. I think about it everyday, but like everything else, my mind is so scattered, frustrated, stressed and worried, that I cant hold on to any thought longer than a pack of cigarettes lasts and an AA meeting. One thing I’ve realized this past week about depression, anxiety and the total mayhem I’ve let my life become is the fact that I’m a complete scatter brain.
Have you ever seen a little child (or some adult males) flip through the TV channels so fast with the remote, nothing makes sense, nothing registers, and nothing sticks out or commits to memory? It's all just a jumble of lights, sound, noise and visions? Welcome to my daily brain... the thoughts, the images, the sounds, the memories, daydreams, fears, ambitions, and wonderings flood in nonstop and gush out and away just as fast...
Now we all do that thing where we dance around the kitchen or garage for a few minutes going, “I know I had it right here…” that’s life, and sometimes, God reminding us to have a sense of humor about ourselves when you finally find it and cant figure for the life of you how you missed it (6 times!) when it was RIGHT THERE…
But mine I’ve noticed has taken on a complete art form, in a sick, sad sort of way. I don’t remember paying a bill, so I’ll pay it three times, or I swear I paid the bill and three months later, cant fathom why they’re so irritate and short with me in that lovely letter I received or that phone call I knew I shouldn’t have answered. I check, recheck and check something again, only because I’m afraid I forgot to do it, (like at work, or cooking or a simple task.) And then I worry and fret and obsess that I forgot it still. the second I’ve check it, (for the 4th time) I suddenly remember checking it the first 3 times, but up until I actually check on the task I’m thinking of, I’ll swear for the life of me, I didn’t do it, and don’t remember having done it 10 minutes ago, 20 minutes ago, AND 30 minutes ago. I’ll brush my teeth twice some mornings because I don’t remember doing it. I’ll find 3 coffee cups with fresh coffee in them floating around the house because I don’t remember where I set them or that I even had them. I lose things, find them, put them in another more obvious “safe” place only to lose them again. And again. And again. I’m amazed I haven’t lost my children yet, or mailed my mother to Africa. I’m pretty sure it’s only because lately my boys have learned (although probably not understood why) mom isn’t mom, and they‘re on their own survival course, and my mother’s to far away to get my mitts on her.
Praying is almost a bygone thing… I’ll start a prayer several times a day, but some where down the road I’ll realize, I didn’t finish, got distracted, or just plain forget what I’m doing. Reading my bible, studying the word to try to find help through all this, or anything for that matter, are just words. I look at them, I know what they mean, but I cant put them together to form an intelligent thought. Or, when I do, I have to reread pages or paragraphs because for the life of me, I’ve forgotten what I just read. I realize lately when I read a book, it’s something I’ve read a dozen times already only because I know it already and can follow it. (For the most part.)
I’m so frazzled, frustrated and sleepless because I cant make my mind settle down!!!
I have my good days, since I’ve started this battle to save myself, and yet, I still have those not so good days. This week, I’ve only cried a few times, but once it was for hours and although it was only 2 anxiety attacks, I’m still having them… but all the same, I’m still scattered and I feel completely lost. Something I’m just realizing has been going on for a while now.
I don’t sleep because I cant shut down my brain… I wake up every 45 min - 1 ½ hours. And, Wow! The dreams… The dreams are amazing, terrifying, uncanny or just plain crazy. I’ve always dreamed, every since I can remember, and what strange is some of them have come true. But these ones lately haunt me and defy all logic.
I'll be starting a little therapy soon, to work through some of these issues i've been struggling with and i know my first question will be, "I’m lost. Is this normal? Is the part of what I’m going through or something unrelated and different? Will I ever be back to that place where… where I don’t feel the way I feel right now." And i'm pretty sure i'll forget it ask at least 6 times, and when i do remember to ask, i'll ask her 3 times for the first few visits.
One of the simplest goals I have right now is to have the bills paid right again, understand and enjoy my faith again, be able to recall everything I’ve done, where it’s all at, and not seek, obsess or look for anything; sit back and relax, enjoy my children and that one cup of coffee I started with.
Have you ever seen a little child (or some adult males) flip through the TV channels so fast with the remote, nothing makes sense, nothing registers, and nothing sticks out or commits to memory? It's all just a jumble of lights, sound, noise and visions? Welcome to my daily brain... the thoughts, the images, the sounds, the memories, daydreams, fears, ambitions, and wonderings flood in nonstop and gush out and away just as fast...
Now we all do that thing where we dance around the kitchen or garage for a few minutes going, “I know I had it right here…” that’s life, and sometimes, God reminding us to have a sense of humor about ourselves when you finally find it and cant figure for the life of you how you missed it (6 times!) when it was RIGHT THERE…
But mine I’ve noticed has taken on a complete art form, in a sick, sad sort of way. I don’t remember paying a bill, so I’ll pay it three times, or I swear I paid the bill and three months later, cant fathom why they’re so irritate and short with me in that lovely letter I received or that phone call I knew I shouldn’t have answered. I check, recheck and check something again, only because I’m afraid I forgot to do it, (like at work, or cooking or a simple task.) And then I worry and fret and obsess that I forgot it still. the second I’ve check it, (for the 4th time) I suddenly remember checking it the first 3 times, but up until I actually check on the task I’m thinking of, I’ll swear for the life of me, I didn’t do it, and don’t remember having done it 10 minutes ago, 20 minutes ago, AND 30 minutes ago. I’ll brush my teeth twice some mornings because I don’t remember doing it. I’ll find 3 coffee cups with fresh coffee in them floating around the house because I don’t remember where I set them or that I even had them. I lose things, find them, put them in another more obvious “safe” place only to lose them again. And again. And again. I’m amazed I haven’t lost my children yet, or mailed my mother to Africa. I’m pretty sure it’s only because lately my boys have learned (although probably not understood why) mom isn’t mom, and they‘re on their own survival course, and my mother’s to far away to get my mitts on her.
Praying is almost a bygone thing… I’ll start a prayer several times a day, but some where down the road I’ll realize, I didn’t finish, got distracted, or just plain forget what I’m doing. Reading my bible, studying the word to try to find help through all this, or anything for that matter, are just words. I look at them, I know what they mean, but I cant put them together to form an intelligent thought. Or, when I do, I have to reread pages or paragraphs because for the life of me, I’ve forgotten what I just read. I realize lately when I read a book, it’s something I’ve read a dozen times already only because I know it already and can follow it. (For the most part.)
I’m so frazzled, frustrated and sleepless because I cant make my mind settle down!!!
I have my good days, since I’ve started this battle to save myself, and yet, I still have those not so good days. This week, I’ve only cried a few times, but once it was for hours and although it was only 2 anxiety attacks, I’m still having them… but all the same, I’m still scattered and I feel completely lost. Something I’m just realizing has been going on for a while now.
I don’t sleep because I cant shut down my brain… I wake up every 45 min - 1 ½ hours. And, Wow! The dreams… The dreams are amazing, terrifying, uncanny or just plain crazy. I’ve always dreamed, every since I can remember, and what strange is some of them have come true. But these ones lately haunt me and defy all logic.
I'll be starting a little therapy soon, to work through some of these issues i've been struggling with and i know my first question will be, "I’m lost. Is this normal? Is the part of what I’m going through or something unrelated and different? Will I ever be back to that place where… where I don’t feel the way I feel right now." And i'm pretty sure i'll forget it ask at least 6 times, and when i do remember to ask, i'll ask her 3 times for the first few visits.
One of the simplest goals I have right now is to have the bills paid right again, understand and enjoy my faith again, be able to recall everything I’ve done, where it’s all at, and not seek, obsess or look for anything; sit back and relax, enjoy my children and that one cup of coffee I started with.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
A Curious Thing...
I find myself in a most curious position today. A friend of mine, more of an acquaintance, is going through a particularly nasty divorce. Some time ago, I’d spoke with him in passing and mentioned, if you ever need to talk, let me know, here’s my number. And never really gave it a second thought. Now, I work with this person and see him on a regular basis. He’s not employed in my clinic, but he’s in the hospital and I see him several times a week. He knows I’ve been struggling with troubles of my own, but like most acquaintances, he really didn’t (and doesn’t) know the full extent of my battle lately and how I’ve been struggling so hard to hang on by a thread. So, needless to say, when I received a phone call today, of someone crying and obviously in pain, I was shocked to discover he was on the other end of the line. It’s been getting rougher and rougher for him, and life pretty much just sucks. Usually I’m compassionate and try to listen to the other person in a situation like this. I’m honored when people trust me so much to come to me like this that I try my absolute hardest to do what I can, give what advice I think might help or just be there and listen. This time though, it’s different. I’m struggling so hard with my own issues, but now I have to put them aside to concentrate on someone else whose feeling as much pain (if not more) than I am… I’m concerned, and worried… Concerned because right now, I’m NOT at my best, I’m not sure I can be compassionate, caring and give good advice. If I was so damn smart, I wouldn’t be in the predicaments I’m in, let alone helping someone safely get out of the deep waters they‘re in. I may be over my head on this one. I’m worried… worried that I wont be able to give this friend, the help he so desperately needs and deserves. Because I hear it in his voice, and the words he says are almost mine, verbatim when I was and am there too… he’s scared and thinking he might be ready to bring harm to himself. He’s alone, terrified and struggling. He’s at the lowest of the low, ready to quit, done. It’s not that I don’t want to help him, but it’s a lot like asking a drug addict the best way to stop snorting cocaine, or asking a hooker the best way to be clean and celibate. My intentions are there… I want to help this friend, I want to ease some of the hurt, and be there for someone who needs it. I just hope and pray the ability is there…
After several phone calls today, he called right as i was getting ready for bed. He’s on his way over, I told him that I had a little bit of time to talk if he needed to. (and I’m not going to hesitate if it needs to be more than a little bit of time… in the not to distant past someone sacrificed several hours for me, I can do the same for someone who needs it also). I think, this to, may be a lesson in my faith… I’m just not sure what, and right now, as he’s pulling in, I have to ponder it another day… perhaps another blog later will reveal the answer to me that’s eluding me… But, for now, I am praying… which lately is a rarity in itself… praying I can help this friend. Praying I can hold myself together long enough to do what needs to be done, and save someone else when I’m not sure I’m able to save myself.
After several phone calls today, he called right as i was getting ready for bed. He’s on his way over, I told him that I had a little bit of time to talk if he needed to. (and I’m not going to hesitate if it needs to be more than a little bit of time… in the not to distant past someone sacrificed several hours for me, I can do the same for someone who needs it also). I think, this to, may be a lesson in my faith… I’m just not sure what, and right now, as he’s pulling in, I have to ponder it another day… perhaps another blog later will reveal the answer to me that’s eluding me… But, for now, I am praying… which lately is a rarity in itself… praying I can help this friend. Praying I can hold myself together long enough to do what needs to be done, and save someone else when I’m not sure I’m able to save myself.
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