You know, it’s amazing. The past two years, I’ve gone from the highest point in my life, to the absolute lowest. I’ve had lots of lows, just like lots of highs, but for the first time in my life, I was completely devastated. Wiped out. Done. Everything I ever was, knew or felt was completely shattered and left scattered to the winds… I had nothing left but try to put the pieces back together… There were so many pieces I wasn’t even sure I’d find them all again. I felt like I’d be searching and trying to fit them all back together forever… a task I wasn’t looking forward to. I knew I didn’t have the strength, I really didn‘t care anyway, but also knew I had no choice. No one was going to be able to do this for me…
And that’s the amazing part… those shattered pieces were the beginning of my salvation. You see, someone who has never been there, can not understand what an incredible opportunity it can be when you have to rebuild yourself, rebuild who you are… They know who they are, and for better or worse, they don’t even realize what changes they could make. They are blissfully unaware of flaws or issues that once let go of, will make them a better person. They are content to be who they are. But when you lose everything, your faith, your joy, love and contentment, your confidence, your very belief in yourself and others around you ~ you have a choice… rebuild the old person you were with more hurt and hang ups than before or… rebuild to be a better you… all those shattered pieces of my heart and life I’ve been slowly gathering I’ve been looking at it… piece by piece… This is my chance… that piece of broken trust from the abusive alcoholic relationship. Leave it behind… That piece of pain from rejection and suffering. Gone. I don’t have to pick it up… Aggression, anger, hurt… leave them lay right where they are. The pains and disappointments that have hurt for so long; this is the one chance for them to heal over. Sure, the scars wont be pretty and will always remain. But the infection will be gone. Left behind in the healing aftermath…
Oh, but look… here’s that little piece of faith that I’d lost so long ago… it’s tiny and cracked. But if I put it with this little piece of contentment, it’s a little bigger. And stronger. Wow… I found a piece of lost friendships rekindled. Oh my gosh! I’m putting that right here, next to my heart. It’ll grown and feed me and I’ll gain strength from the love of others… hhhmmmm…. There’s this little bit of trust I just found. I didn’t even know I had it; it‘d been so long since I‘d seen it… I really kind of forgot what it looked like… It was right under that shard of faith. They’d been stuck together so long they’re kinda glued, one with the other. But look at the pretty shape they’re in. and look how their colors match love and contentment… How’d this little piece of anger get in here! I think I’ll just throw it away… it’s to dark and ugly to want to keep. Ooohhhhh…. Here’s a big piece of forgiveness. Wow!! I’m not sure I can carry this. I want to bring it along with me, and make it a part of me, but it’s so big, and hard to carry… but in a way, that will make me stronger. It will hurt and be a struggle to carry with me. I’m sure I feel the sting more than once or twice. I’m pretty sure there’s going to be times where I’m going to just want to leave it behind. I’ll feel it’s not worth it. but I know in the end, it’ll be totally worth it. Yes, I think I’d better find room for it right next to love and friendships…. Here‘s a little creativity and fun! Wow!! Those are big pieces!! How did I miss those for so long??”
And the list goes on and on… compassion, love, kindness, peace, courage… the more I gather the pieces together, the more they grow, and fuse together to make a person I want to be. Sure there’s going to be those little slivers of the pieces I left behind. And like all slivers, they will fester and be sore for a minute. But soon enough they’ll scab over and heal and they wont be quite so noticeable.
As I’m putting the pieces back together, I realize other’s have left me pieces of themselves also… I’m sure they didn’t intend too, but it just happens that way I guess. Here’s a little bit of faith from this friend, and shard of laughter from that one… A kind word and smile from a stranger on a day that was particularly rough. This one gave me strength to get up again, when I didn’t have the strength to do it on my own. A hug from her, encouragement from him. Those people over there left a little compassion and comfort. And the warmth of love and friendship clings to all those little pieces… As I struggle to get through all this, I look around me, and in the chaos, see all these little pieces shinning up at me, glittering, glistening. They’re beautiful and comforting and sparkling… They fuse with the pieces of me, and it all starts to blend and hold me together… and maybe someday I’ll have enough pieces and parts that I’ll feel whole again. Only stronger, with faith and comfort. With joy and love that I’ve either forgotten or given up on.
There’s another amazing thing I’ve learned about these shattered pieces. I have lots of extra pieces to share now. I only need a few, just a little. But there are so many now. I have a piece courage for the friend whose faith is struggling… I have a piece comfort for that friend who is sick and feels like she’ll never get better… here’s a little piece of strength and empathy for that one going through a painful divorce. And a piece for you, and her, and him… my family, my children, my friends, strangers, coworkers, and just people I pass on the street. With all these little pieces I have more than enough to share, I just have to remember to do it… If i put them all with the pieces of courage i'm finding, i'm sure i can do it...
I’ve noticed also the pieces are getting bigger… the more I gather, and share, and take, and discover, all those little pieces are growing, and thriving… with nurturing and encouragement, love and faith, they seem to take on a life of their own. A life that not to long ago, I’d never believe in, or think for a moment was for me, or that I deserved.
The past few month there was that one piece that continually eluded me. Hope… I couldn’t find it anywhere… Hope for a better life. Hope for love. Hope for returned faith. Hope for contentment. But I started looking at the pieces I did have… there’s something in between them, holding them all together… I don’t remember putting it there, but it’s there… small, almost invisible… but there it is… I couldn’t figure it out at first. What is that holding all those pieces together?? Then without looking for it, I found it… Hope. I realized it was there all along, but without all the other pieces, it has nothing to cling to... you'll never see it unless you look at all the other pieces first.
After it’s all said and done, I’m not whole yet, and probably, honestly never will be. But that’s okay too. Because as long as I’m still looking for all those shattered pieces, I have the choice to leave the bad ones behind, share the good ones, and choose who I want to be with the pieces that are left.
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